Archive for June, 2008
Posted by: admin on June 25th, 2008
Like most people, businesses are inundated with mail. Unlike most people, who can just toss their mail and it doesn’t make a difference, businesses might actually need some of the contents. Some larger businesses, particularly parent companies, receive hundreds of letters a day. Opening all those letters gets extremely taxing, which is why Office Zone has a prestigious selection of letter opening machines. The most elaborate machines can open up to 350 letters a minute. Investing in a letter opener saves bosses the time and trouble of doing it themselves or the money of paying someone else to do it. Perhaps most significantly, letter openers save fingers from endless paper cuts.
Of course, a finger exposed to years of abuse could prove to be very handy. Why, it could get callused over and become completely impervious to pain. Now that I think about it, a human letter opener could have a future of limitless possibilities: “Baby Crocodile Feeder” at the zoo; “Volcanic Lava Or Just Orange Glowing Foam Tester;” “Handgun Barrel Corker” (not sure what good that does, but hey, a talent’s a talent).
Posted by: admin on June 19th, 2008
There are essentially two ways to attempt to make everyone in the office content with the staple situation so no one goes off Milton-style (Office Space) and “burns the building down:” One, give everyone their own personal stapler and two, get one or more electric staplers for the entire office.
The “everyone gets their own” method may seem on the surface to be the most non-conflicting, but remember, every office has both a childish prankster who thinks it’s hilarious to steal staplers no matter how many times this crime is repeated and an equally childish nark who considers the disappearance of their stapler to be sexual harassment. Also, disgruntled employees are far more likely to stuff their hand-held staplers into their pockets than to try to make off with a trashcan-size machine. Even honest employees have a tendency to misplace staplers. One unit doesn’t cost very much but replacing several units several times can get very expensive. Somewhere, someone has a whole basement full of lost and stolen staplers that they intend to melt down and mold into a giant calf as an offering to the God of stationary.
The alternative to driving your company’s purchaser completely insane from ordering new staplers every week is to buy one or multiple electric staplers for collective office use. Automatic machines are stronger, more efficient and as long as Penn and Teller aren’t your administrative assistants, they don’t mysteriously disappear. Some people might think of electric staplers as excuses for laziness: “What kind of world do we live in where a person can’t even push down on a stapler anymore?” –Well, it’s the kind of world where employers recognize that it’s better to make a one-time investment than to continually pay tithes to some crazy person’s false Deity. (For anyone who believed the “God of Stationary” to be an actual omnipotent being, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.)
Posted by: admin on June 13th, 2008
I picture hell as one big business seminar. The devil handpicks speakers out of the crowd and prods them to the microphone with his fiery pitchfork. His selection criteria is simply any idiot who has intensely passionate feelings toward something no one else in the room cares about like “fantasy combat playing cards.” The chosen ones discourse for hours while everyone else tries to fall asleep, but can’t, because the hemorrhoid-inducing furniture they’re all sitting on isn’t having it. Hell even has managers, inexplicably immune to boredom, that ask rhetorical questions such as “Long night, huh?” and “Tired, Smith?”
Unfortunately, most people who didn’t do anything to deserve such torment have experienced it many times. The stuffy atmosphere, the cyborg lecturer, always sitting next to the person with chronic B.O.–these things seem to be inevitable; the sadistic furniture doesn’t have to be. If buyers want to save money, they don’t have to resort to the Renaissance Torture Store to find their meeting/conference chairs. Perhaps they want to keep employees awake, which a regular chair does, but it can’t keep their attention. A little padding on the other hand, is a good way to keep them happy. Office Zone padded conference chairs are just as stackable as the hard, flat type and at our discount prices, it’s only the boss’ fatter wallet that causes kidney failure, not the chairs.
Other discount furniture is available at Office Zone as well. We can’t promise a higher quality presenter, but we can promise a higher quality podium. We can’t promise tables of the sales-chart kind that will put the boss in a good mood, but we can promise tables of the wooden kind that will. You get the idea.
Posted by: admin on June 11th, 2008
Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past ten years, you probably know what a paper shredder is. For those of you who have been in a coma, I strongly recommend that you not be driving when you get your first look at gas prices, you might slip back in. For everyone else, you’ve most likely heard why paper shredders are important: identity protection. Well, identity theft occurs on a business level as well as individual. In fact, documents in the dumpster at work are more vulnerable than the ones in the dumpster at home because more strangers have access to them. Every department, if not every individual, that handles documents containing financial information should have a shredder at their disposal. No matter how many times bosses remind them, employees still forget to shred papers if they have to transport them first. It’s common for offices to have a community shredder. The problem with that is the waiting. If an employee has to wait for a co-worker to finish shredding, they might decide it’s not worth it and just toss their papers. Another hangup is the likelihood of a jam. In most cases of an office-wide shredder, the machine is not equipped to handle the load and jams up frequently. Our shredders are both the highest quality and lowest price in the industry, with sizes, features and capabilities to meet any office’s needs. Employees are happier and more diligent about destroying financial documents when they don’t have to travel, wait for others, or deal with jams.
Besides, employees love to shred things, it makes them feel powerful. People may even start carrying shredders around with them. The government would then have to implement shredder-control laws, issue concealed shredder permits and eventually be on the lookout for shredders of mass destruction. Sure, it sounds far-fetched but for the folks just coming out of a coma, it’s still a lot less ridiculous than the price of gas.
Posted by: admin on June 6th, 2008
Why is it no one has ever taken a flattering ID photo? Even more perplexing, why do the same people, who use the same or lesser technology, always have over-flattering pictures of themselves on their online profiles (e.g. My Space)? Neither discrepancy is good. If you fail to recognize someone because they “looked different in their picture,” it could be embarrassing for both of you. If you sneak a peak of an otherwise attractive person’s driver’s license photo–which looks like something from a “Genetic Experiments Gone Horribly Wrong” government file–you may have a hard time striking it from your mental record. There’s nothing we–or anyone else, for that matter–can do about this unexplainable phenomenon. But what we can do is offer the fastest, easiest way to print ID cards for your personal or business use. We have Polaroid-style systems for making IDs and we have digital-style systems that make IDs for you. They are guaranteed to be the lowest price anywhere, just as surely as they’re guaranteed to make you look like you just received the Manager’s VIP treatment at the Bates’ Motel. Why it’s impossible to be pleased with the results of the photos themselves, who knows, but we can assure you you’ll pleased with the system.
ID cards are crucial for any office or store with a larger-than-tiny staff. Besides, not-so-great photos are less painful than a robbery due to not-so-great security.
Posted by: admin on June 4th, 2008
Some people think home and business owners with video surveillance systems are paranoid. I disagree. I consider a better example of paranoia to be a friend of mine who is absolutely convinced he is going to spontaneously combust. He heard somewhere that one in every billion or so people will just explode for no scientific reason at all. Having what he thinks is a lifetime of bad luck, he takes the most unlikely of circumstances to be exceptional odds in his favor–or disfavor, depending on how you look at it. He avoids spicy or heavily acidic foods, as if they act as some sort of detonator for the bodily land mine that encases him. Robbery, burglary, assault, shoplifting and murder occur every hour of every day. It seems to me, it’s just as naive to think certain people are somehow immune to experiencing such travesties as it is to think certain people are destined to experience such travesties…like inexplicably bursting into pieces. In comparison, I’d rather be the epitome of paranoia than the victim of crime any day.
Security systems save money, property and even lives. Our high-tech equipment can suit the needs of any home or business, regardless of their size. We have cameras, recorders, alarms and many other items and accessories to protect yourself, your business, your family, or all of the above.